Work in Progress

I have taken a bit of a hiatus from my blog. There have been many changes in my life this last month with the end of a 20 year career coming to a grinding halt because of a lay off.

The dust is settling and my mind is clearing. My blog should be breathing new life and stories (hoo rah) back into it very soon.

Ouch

So a few weeks ago, within my healing process I discovered that I needed to ask hubby to close our relationship up for a little while during my healing process. I had already temporarily stopped seeing the rock star, and unfortunately had never quite made it to actually meeting my new young playmate so it wasn't such a big thing for me. I felt the need to cocoon myself for awhile. After a little bit I realized I couldn't balance my emotions when hubby was seeing his girlfriend, nor could I handle a new flirtation he had started - the unknown when your psyche is unbalanced is hard to keep in check without your sub-conscious running rampant with crazy (crazier) thoughts. So I asked him to do the same thing and allow me to work through some of my issues and anxieties.

I was a little put off by what followed. Hubby's girlfriend was already having issues with the limited amount of time they were spending together and now was being asked to put things on hold and not see him for a few weeks. Rather than being understanding, I know she tried, it seems as though she tried to hurt hubby instead. She suddenly started seeing someone new, who was not attached and she could be very public about.  And through our live life in on a social network world, that is exactly what she did. It seems as though she did this to let hubby know that he was missing out. Now hubby is struggling with either letting her go and see where this new relationship goes, or offering her everything she wants to appease her. I feel so bad that he is so conflicted and caught in the middle of this.

I also feel that I have been manipulated into relinquishing my request for a safe and sound environment to continue to heal in and allow them to begin seeing each other again, so that he can do some (in his words) damage control. I know I am stronger and this will probably be a good challenge. But I can't help but feel once again that I am at the mercy of someone's happiness, other than my own mental health and well being. At least I have voiced this - it will not fester into rage because it was pushed down and not validated.

My bathroom wall is not healed yet either and cannot sustain another beating!!

Breath in, breath out...in...out

I have always enjoyed breath play - mainly two firm hands carefully placed around my throat. It takes a lot of trust in your partner, but OMG is it worth it. Never have I had such explosive orgasms. You are on a completely different astral plane, no longer knowing or caring who you are or where you are, just caught up in the overwhelming euphoria. I have also been able to reduce my own breathing and have a less intense sensation. Recently I have learned just how to breath again.

Something cracked a few weeks ago. Could it be an impending layoff that has been looming overhead for the last 9 months. Watching peers lose their jobs one by one. Or maybe it was not being prepared for hubby's feelings for his girlfriend. Whatever caused it I felt like I was falling and couldn't catch myself. I felt like I was suffocating.

So now, with the help of a great therapist, I am learning how to stop holding my breath and to breath life into my lungs again. I am learning that rage can be acknowledged and loved for the conflicted, confused, and frustrated child that really lurks behind it's dark ways. I am learning how to repair drywall that has been kicked until a stud was cleverly found by a bare foot.

Everyday, for 15 minutes I start my day breathing in, slowly. Breathing out, slow and long. Using imagery to sooth my soul. A beautiful summer's day on the beach, I can hear the seagulls and smell the salt air. I can feel the warmth of the sun and the touch of my soul mate's hand. It is a form of self-hypnosis and it has been working.

I can feel myself healing and getting stronger everyday. I will continue this process every day. I will continue to breath. I will continue to use imagery. But I know that I am getting better because the imagery is starting to change. That wondrous place is starting to transform from the beach to a hotel room and the touch is hot, wet, with a ferocity that hungers for more. And I can feel me reaching for a pair of strong hands and guiding them to the sweet spot on my throat and saying, "Just a little tighter."

Someone new...a playmate, maybe?

We'll there's someone on the horizon that I met on-line last week. A few posts, a few emails and now text. He wants to hear my voice, but I think I'll make him wait...can't give up the goods all at once. Where is the anticipation in that?

Oddly enough, like hubby's girlfriend, he is also 26. He also resembles hubby a little - like I resemble hubby's girlfriend. Weird. :) Why the universe throws these things at you sometimes...are you kidding me?

Could be fun, we'll see what evolves. Next Thursday I will make it a mission to begin HNT. Love this idea.

You don't know, what you don't know...

I am so disappointed. Not only do I find that my husband and his girlfriend are not using safe sex practices as in a condom, but now I am finding out that she is not using birth control either. I know she has had a lot of gyn problems and the chance of her getting pregnant is slim to none. But I also know that she has a 4 year old, and though it took me 3 years I have an 8 year old. My doc even told me told me (after my hysterectomy) that he had no idea how I ever got pregnant - there was so much against it. None the less here were are with two children.

I was supposed to be headed to the movies today with my hubby and son, but found this out as I was getting ready. Chose not to go. I sent them (hubby and g/f, not my son) both a simple, but curt text that I felt it was unsafe, rude and disrespectful. And now am venting my emotions here instead of allowing them to escalate into full out rage - this was my old way and I am trying to change those aspects of myself.

Deep breath...in...out...in...out...

Love and Jealousy

So yesterday I was giving advice on being aware of the strong emotions that can accompany an open marriage. Today I am in the throes of them. I know that love does not have limit, that loving another does not take away from the love that is given to me - in quantity or quality. That the love given to me was here before this other person and will be here long after they have moved on. But through all of that intelligent rational, the heart feels what the heart feels, and today I am hurting knowing my husband is falling in love with another and that love is reciprocated.

It's amazing how easy it is to be okay with sharing your spouse in the physical sense, but once emotions of love enter the picture suddenly like starting all over.

Deep breath. In, out. In, out.

"Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one's self-respect. For jealous people, like dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing."
Emma Goldman

Today is about being other's oriented

Well today was definitely a day to be others oriented. It is no surprise, but my husband's new girlfriend is feeling a bit left out lately. I can only imagine. Even though he has been honest and open with her from day 1, how can you not feel left out when you know he is leaving you to go home to his beautiful wife. She knows he loves and adores me, will never leave me and is not looking for a replacement, but rather an addition.

There are times I wonder if I could do it. I mean there are books, websites, all kinds of things that you can use to get advice on how to have a successful open relationship/marriage, but there is nothing on how to be an addition. I know she respects us and our family and she has proven that time and again. She is very sweet and kind, intuitive and intelligent....I would have her as a girlfriend if he hadn't found her first!!