Friday, October 9, 2009

Breath in, breath out...in...out

I have always enjoyed breath play - mainly two firm hands carefully placed around my throat. It takes a lot of trust in your partner, but OMG is it worth it. Never have I had such explosive orgasms. You are on a completely different astral plane, no longer knowing or caring who you are or where you are, just caught up in the overwhelming euphoria. I have also been able to reduce my own breathing and have a less intense sensation. Recently I have learned just how to breath again.

Something cracked a few weeks ago. Could it be an impending layoff that has been looming overhead for the last 9 months. Watching peers lose their jobs one by one. Or maybe it was not being prepared for hubby's feelings for his girlfriend. Whatever caused it I felt like I was falling and couldn't catch myself. I felt like I was suffocating.

So now, with the help of a great therapist, I am learning how to stop holding my breath and to breath life into my lungs again. I am learning that rage can be acknowledged and loved for the conflicted, confused, and frustrated child that really lurks behind it's dark ways. I am learning how to repair drywall that has been kicked until a stud was cleverly found by a bare foot.

Everyday, for 15 minutes I start my day breathing in, slowly. Breathing out, slow and long. Using imagery to sooth my soul. A beautiful summer's day on the beach, I can hear the seagulls and smell the salt air. I can feel the warmth of the sun and the touch of my soul mate's hand. It is a form of self-hypnosis and it has been working.

I can feel myself healing and getting stronger everyday. I will continue this process every day. I will continue to breath. I will continue to use imagery. But I know that I am getting better because the imagery is starting to change. That wondrous place is starting to transform from the beach to a hotel room and the touch is hot, wet, with a ferocity that hungers for more. And I can feel me reaching for a pair of strong hands and guiding them to the sweet spot on my throat and saying, "Just a little tighter."

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